guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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