We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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