it hurts more in the daytime
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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