God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
