I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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