Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
