Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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