come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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