My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
How's work?
Spinning.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
