You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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