While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
