3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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