even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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