from now on my penis is your penis
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
