I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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