if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
