i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
