we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
