We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
