I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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