my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize