My room smells like vodka and shame
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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