My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
