Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
