I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
did you just send me my own nude
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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