I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
