She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I want to be your penis for a week.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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