thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Randomize
