so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Even my vagina gasped.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
