my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
