so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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