I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
