Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
