She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
