my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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