Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
