I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
