You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
