thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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