Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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