We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
