I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
