1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
