I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
