the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
