Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
