if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
