Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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