Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
