We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize