Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
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