Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
