not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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