I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
