someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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