Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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